Saturday, September 08, 2007

I'm not purely a miserable bastard. No, I'm not. It just seems like it because so far all I've posted here has been pain. I went back and re-read my posts and I got depressed all over again.
But this is something I need to do. Like lancing an infection; you have to get the crap out so your body can begin healing itself. That's why this blog is good for me; it allows me the freedom to do that. Plus, I'm enough of an exhibitionist I'm doing so in public.

While swimming at the gym today, I realized something. I was doing the backstroke, staring at the ceiling and trying not to run into the lane lines, and was thinking about my folks. I realized my one overriding goal in all my romantic relationships had been validation: Since my mom never validated me (she had abandoned me in every way except physically) , I craved that from women. They didn't have to be attractive or available--I just wanted a woman to represent my mom and tell me she loved me and I was okay.

This could explain why all of my dating relationships rolled over and died. (Altho I was always the instigator of the break-up.)

Same thing from my dad; although I got physical abandonment from him in addition to emotional. When I struck up friendships, one of my big motivators was to get approval: "Please tell me I'm okay."

Then, still swimming, I thought of this: My parents are dead. They're not coming back. No one else on this planet is going to validate me in the manner I need, because what I need only my parents could have given me. Am I screwed? No.

IMO, all validation comes from within the person seeking validation. Even if my mom and dad had stepped up and given me their love and approval, their gifts cannot create validation inside me--I have to do that. The only person who can truly validate me--is me.

So I decided I wasn't a complete bastard, I was just me. And that was okay. I'm not going to be everyone's friend. There's lots of people that won't like me or want to be around me. And there's not a single damn person on this planet who can give me what my parents failed to. So I can stop looking to people as milk cows for my appreciation and instead see them as people.

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