Monday, November 20, 2006

Here I feel protected by anonymity. It's a tissue-paper protection, of course, all it take is for one person to stumble across this blog and post a comment, and then my anonymity is gone. Is that such a bad thing? I don't really know.

See, posting these thoughts out to cyberspace with the knowledge no one will ever read them gives me a feeling of... license? Power? Freedom? I can post whatever I like, however I like it, and I for one of the first times in my life I don't have to care what anyone thinks about what I say or how I say it. Boom! Out it goes, right there. I can express my deepest thoughts here and feel secure doing so knowing the odds of anyone reading this blog are so low because I don't publicize it.

What if someone sees my blog name on Blogger and clicks on it? O, I think the odds are pretty slim on that one. There's only a jillion more interesting names out there than mine. Let the tourists flock to one of those names. There's too many people out there who're funnier, more expessive, more honest, more whatever-I-care-to-sell-myself-short-on.

So who am I writing to? For whom do I a preposition end a sentence with? For you-- whoever "you" are. Whoever reads these words after I write them, for someone who isn't me. Welcome to my blog, you. I hope you have a good time here.

Today my wife took her son to Disneyland, so I've got two days on my alone. She invited me but I refused to go. The reason is pretty embarassing (but something affecting my life at the moment) and it's tragic in the sense of so easily preventable if I wanted to do anything about it. But I don't.

I'm happy with the status quo, assuming by "happy" you mean unwilling to change. Today I watched the first season of "Everwood." Whole damn thing, 23 episodes. (24?) This is the first time in a loooooong time I feel like I've been able to be out of my head and into my heart. I feel scared a lot. I haven't said that very much, at least not to anyone else.

I feel lonely. I've got some great people in my life, but I still feel lonely. I feel like I have no friends in the sense of "compadres," anyone who shares my interests, likes and dislikes. I love my wife but she's got very different tastes than I do. I love my small-group friends but ditto. I like geeky stuff: Role playing games, imagination, possibilities, asking "what if," computers, et al, and I'm the only one I know in my age group that does.

Over at chuch I see my tribe, but they're all 20 years younger than I am. I've got some age on me and it colors my ability to be friends with people very much younger or older than I am. How do I talk about step-parenting to a 24 yr old bachelor? How do I explain division of chores between my wife and I to a kid who's never had to wrestle with that issue?

Sorry to blog and run but it's 1:46 a.m. and I'm tired. I'll continue this soon.

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